2nd August 2007
Action replay, exactly the same as four weeks ago except less bitching between myself & slack, same croissant & butter on the boat, the ferry took longer & Sammy shit in his little cage in the hold, a runny one that he trod around a bit, luckily he didn’t get it all over his new fabric dog basket. A minor miracle occurred on the crossing; God contacted Slack via a video that was showing, funny really as she had just been slagging him off! & the vicar.

This time we went straight past my sister’s & on to a pretty little town on the River Tarn called Moissac, my wife (so formal), found a little B&B on a hill with a pool & very simple rooms, I had my doubts as there was no air con & it was very basic, as it happens it turned out to be a little gem. As usual we lied about the amount of dogs we had, luckily Lucy had remembered to pack her “Wizards Cloak” that turns her into a stealth dog, enabling her to slip under the radar. The weather was a lot cooler than Ibiza, we sat on the terrace & had dinner from a simple but very well executed menu, I had a terrine of salmon & salad, confit de carnard & perfect pomme frits followed with a small selection of cheeses, Slack had a vegetable tart & salad & the confit, all washed down with a very agreeable & well priced Red Buzet, all this & a perfect smog free sunset followed with a stiff brandy. B&B, dinner, dog surcharge, brandy & brekkie for a shade over one hundred euros!

3rd August 2007
Up with the lark, didn’t want to, Sammy just decided that it was time to jump on my face, Slack took the dogs for a walk in her pyjamas while the sun was rising & claimed to have been confronted by three deer! Breakfast & off.

We decided that we’d do Bordeaux, now that is a beautiful town, a perfect town or is it a city? If I am lucky enough to win some money I’ll buy a place on the outskirts. Unfortunately for me though it’s the shoe shop capital of the world so we didn’t get to do a lot other than study shoes. I treated myself to some sandals & a pair of cool Oakley sunglasses.

We stumbled across a tea room called Chris’s Tea, we didn’t have tea though, we had coffee instead with chocolate cakes, my was just sinful really, it was so chocolately, Slacks was almost the same but with fresh raspberries on top, all a snip at twenty one bloody euros, incredible though.

We left & preceded in the direction of Brittany & stopped in Blaye, a part of the estuary & lolled around for a while, Sammy, yes Sammy again, jumped into the knee deep mud in the estuary & cheered us up no end.

I’m not sure but I think the chocolate cake had affected me in some way as I was a little despondent & didn’t really enjoy the rest of the drive to the shit hole we are now sitting in, its the kind of place that shower curtain ring salesmen stay, a real cruddy hole, we smuggled the dogs up the fire escape in the hope that we can avoid the supplement, its more expensive than last night, depressing. So we will go out tonight for some quality food, I couldn’t eat here, it doesn’t even have a shower curtain so it must be where the useless salesman stay. It’s hard for us to think that we only left Ibiza yesterday morning, I can’t wait for us to check into our cottage tomorrow evening & be able to cook some honest food.

We found a lovely restaurant down on the river, the salad of pate de foi gras, goose gizzards & duck breast wasn’t the freshest but was OK, the service was Ibiza, nuff said, no tip though I could think of a few.

6th August 2007
Well, we got here through nightmare traffic, it’s the first weekend of August & all the Frogs are off on their holidays, like us, typical!

We got here 40 minutes too early & were practically greeted with “You’re early you c**ts”, so we did an about turn & went to find a supermarket, we did but I think it may have been a Pikey one as it was kaka.

Got back to the cottage one & a half hours later to find the owner who had had 6 hours to clean the cottage & mow the grass roaring around us on a sit on lawnmower, in big circles actually around us, do you believe me when I say that he was smiling, like a someone who has been sectioned, he must have got it for his birthday, a boys toy? Twat! This went on for an hour.......

We unpacked, the cottage is sweet, with a thatched roof but it is so badly equipped, I travel with a small hand luggage suitcase that holds all my knives, cling film, foil, herbs & other gadgets as I realise that things are not going to be like back home, but this is a joke, not even a cutting knife. It’s lucky MA’s sister & kids didn’t come as this is sold as within walking distance to the beach (if you like yomping) & sleeping six, anyway ol slacky is putting together a list to complain about, typical of the Taylors. Oh, they wanted extra for towels & tea towels, fucking liberty!!!;)

Yesterday we went to the beach, it was the worst thing that I’ve done this year, that’s it really. I imagined it would be wild desolate beaches as far as the eye could see, instead its camper van & tenty types with kids.

On the bright side it’s cool.

Next (after an hour on the beach) we stumbled, I say stumbled, into a town festival. You sometimes stumble across a bargain or stumble upon an amazing piece of luck. This was more stumbling into a minefield. Now OK, I know that I’m a miserable motherf**ker but if my child wanted to be a Morris dancer I’d have to give him a good shake or a slap on the back of the legs. Basically this is what awaited us, hundreds of people dressed in ancient Bretagne wear, not good looking people, as usual, its always the ugly ones, the type that push a bed through the high street wearing a red nose, you know the type? It’s their pathetic 15 minutes or seconds of attention. We live on Ibiza & it’s the same kind of thing, it just goes right over my head. If the English were to do this kind of thing we’d be labelled nationalists, just hoisting the St George Flag is asking for trouble, if the Scots or Irish or Bretagne’s or anyone else does it its romantic & quaint. To top it all there was an enormous 50’s dodge pick up truck with what sounded like a Citroen Diane engine inside, it was carrying a load of “good ol boys” in cowboy wear, it was hard to tell if they were part of the celebrations or whether it was just the latest fashion in “Hicksville”,the number plate on the Dodge?, get this, TEXAS – WHITE POWER. Nice.

Well if you like bag pipes (can’t they learn a guitar?) & tunes that sound the same as the last 15 tunes then this is the place for you, by sheer bad luck MA seemed to think it was FAB, I’m not sure if she was doing it to me on purpose though. Good luck to them, I didn’t see a single place selling cous cous!

Today (6th) I delivered MA to a little port at 8am for a sailing lesson, that’s nice. They wouldn’t let Sam (our dog) on even though he was kitted out in his designer life jacket. So she’s out sailing. I’ve just bought a beach umbrella (tourist), been to the car wash (mundane), the supermarket (not the pikey one) & made a salmon quiche for tonight (what else?). I’m about to go back to the port to collect slack & whisk her off for lunch, I fancy oysters, after that I’d like to slumber but I bet she’s got some fluffy plan up her sleeve.

4.5hrs later.............
Oooooooo la la! How great was that? A dozen oysters & a lobster in a mild but classy creamy sauce with the best rustic chips in the world. We skipped the desert as it would have been a disgrace. We had a bottle of Muscadet, the best I’ve ever had. I felt ready for a well earned doze when MA slipped the surprise plan out of her sleeve, let’s go & walk it off!? No. I’m going to have a doze, & I did, with Lucy.

Mary Ann has decided that she must have a holiday home here, oh & a holiday boat, like you do. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for her. I must admit that we’d not have got that meal or the service in Ibiza during August, the food was so fresh, even the bread was historic, little nuts in it served with a bright yellow salted butter, now that’s not typically French is it. The service was brisk but relaxed, no “chilled asshole music” blaring, no “wannabe’s” on holiday trying to “release” themselves, just normal people having a nice time in a splendid setting. Have a look for yourselves.

MA’s just got back from walking the dogs, the beach IS less than a mile away, I just hope she didn’t fire off the complaint to the letting agency!