12th July 2007

Wakey wakey, happy campers! This is my last day, I’ve been a bit quiet because I’ve have nothing to report of any significance. The usual routine, it’s become very dull to say the least, I’d hate to be locked up in prison, even a participant in big brother would be better off with the food, that would no doubt be balanced out by the low life knuckle dragging to tossas on the show though.

Last night we had a liquid made of boiled potato skins, carrots, parsnips & turnips, a consommé really, no substance to it at all, like the shit they’d have been eating in Belsen. It tasted fab, the taste buds have been so starved of sensations that I was aware of every subtlety. Last night was my first difficult experience, I am completely empty of shit, I flushed through about 4 litres of water last night & absolutely nada. Then for the first time I couldn’t sleep until 1 am.

The course finishes tonight at 7am, we are to be given a selection of raw foods which they hope we are going to embrace, I’ll be embracing it tonight for sure but I can’t see me living on raw cabbage, mung beans & carrots for the rest of my life. Then tomorrow morning we get a bag of fruit to take on our journey home.

My eyes are bright, I have no permanent runny nose, my skin has cleared after a period of purging all the poisons, I’m hardly aware of my bad knee & neck joints & on top of all this I’ve given my liver a much needed rest & lost, literately shit loads of weight & rested.

On the other hand I am forgetful. vague & a little too mellow for my liking. I haven’t watched hardly any TV or videos & I’ve only read half of the Steven King novel (finished now), I haven’t even turned on one of my 3 ipods, this I guess is down to lack of concentration as the body tries to conserve energy? So I have to hope that my concentration is OK to drive tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow night I am booked into a double room right in the middle of Salisbury, I’ll have a few hrs to explore & shop, then I’ll sample some normal food, we’ve been warned to take it easy, a salad with a chicken breast? A glass of wine definitely although they’ve said it’s not such a good idea. They’ve said that about everything so far, nothing really has happened to me that has happened to the others on the course (lightweights :) ) , not even a headache or bellyache. I’ll leave at 8 am & pick Slacky & my lovely dogs up in Dorking & proceed immediately to the channel Tunnel & my sisters B&B in SW France, then home to Sunny Ibiza away from all this shit weather, I don’t know how the Brit’s put up with it, rain & taxation. You are welcome to it amigos.

Conclusion: Would I do it again? Yes. I have my own “surfboard” now so at least I’ll have a clean colon if nothing else. I will try to moderate my life from now on & try to eat more greens, less fat & red meat. Obviously I’m gonna fall off the wagon from time, but then I’m not a monk!

Well unless something drastic happens in the next few days it addios. If you've taken the time to to read this then thanks, maybe it'll inspire you. The cookery course certainly inspired me & hopefully this retreat has changed my life, forever? In case you interested check out the website for this retreat www.suradetox.com If there is anything you want to know or if you should wish to pop around to my gaff for a quick colonic then you have my details!. Bye x

10th July 2007

Nothing to report really, still feeling ok. I ventured up to the village yesterday, Dolton, very cute, you don’t really see villages like that in rural England I’ve read. It had a church, primary school, PO, 3 pubs, butcher, baker, a small supermarket or should I say convenience store. I bought 6 lemons at 24p each!! & a newspaper.

I started this morning in the gym, that’s a first, a sauna & a swim. Then the poo thing at 10am & on to the homeopathic doctor who asked me all these personal questions & then asked me to describe my personality, OK no need for get you lot to get your oar in, keep it to yourselves. I was very honest & she gave me a sulphur tablet, one a month for the rest of my life? No more coffee, mouthwash or peppermint, apparently it affects the medicine. So there you go, thin & easy going from now on.........couldn’t be easier.

Slacks just been on the blower, we/she has ballsed up the channel tunnel journey home, she seemed to think that I was back Friday when I don’t actually check out until 9am Saturday, the tunnel is at 4pm, that’s quite a target. So I was just speaking to a local builder who suggested that I do half of the journey Friday night, say 2 hrs & the remainder on Saturday morning, beats disturbing slacks parents at midnight, may even be able to get some steak & kidney pie & chips in a cheap hotel, oh and a glass of vino.

Captains log, star date Monday 7th July 07

Well, just been talking to Imeba, he seems to think that I am bucking the trend here. It's unusual to feel so OK apparently, must be down to the fact that when he asked me how I felt I said “Serene”. I think that maybe they want you to feel crap so they can link sell all these “green & weird”products. Another thing, I should be experiencing is emotional feelings, passing foot long liquorice turds & possible having nauseas spells, well I have never been so relaxed to be honest, no wife (I love you Slacky), no dogs, no phone calls, no wankers playing there music too loud & simply the most comfortable bed & pillows I ever had, all with a power shower & a remote control of my own.

This is how yesterday went: I went to bed at 10pm the night before & woke up at 8.30am, read in bed then ambled down to the giggling room for my supplements, necked them & made a little polite conversation with the gurus for approx 2 minutes then ambled back to my cottage for a re-vigorating (not sure how you spell that) enema, got the hang that now. I put on the fan heater, set up the surfboard, boil the kettle & add it to the bucket of de chlorinated water all before I go to the giggling room since you ask. So it's all ready to go. Very prim.

When I finished the dirty deed I dettox everything & place it all under the shower for a good soaking so it’s tip top! Can you believe that the “others” in the shared rooms etc are sharing the surfboards? I mean imagine been in a hotel room with an en-suite? Your partner/mate is 2 metres away explosively jettisoning his/hers bowels? I mean, would you want to share your poopy equipment with others let alone a room.

I then followed this with a long refreshing shower, I was tempted to shave my head, maybe I am experiencing something. Then I rang my lovely wife who had a christening to attend at Ghyll Manor in Rusper, Surrey, a beautiful country hotel where we got married 15 years ago.
I then settled down to read the newspapers on the web, I like to read the Sunday Times & Telegraph. I lifted all the good recipes from the food & drink section & saved them to my laptop. I browsed my usual favourites, BBC Food, Food Network, Epicurious etc looking for interesting & healthy recipes to save for future reference. 12 o clock & back for supplements then settled down for the British F1, come on Kimi & Alonso, bliss. Back for supplements then a full hour long massage, I’ll treat you when I get home babe. Didn’t get the ladies name but she was very well spoken, pony club like, but she was a German! Don't mention the war! With unshaven armpits, why is it they do that? She was very pleasant & when you’ve got you eyes closed she could have been anyone. She told me that she had lost 3 stone, that’s approx 42 pounds for you foreigners or approx 22 kilos, I think. It was so relaxing & whilst I was relaxing at the very end she kissed me on the forehead!!! What do you lot think? Is that normal? She didn’t ask me if I wanted any ”extras” though thank God, maybe these “enlightened” people are just like this & I’m a little sensitive. If I’d have kissed a women I didn’t know on the forehead they’d have called the police!?

Back to the cottage for the Wimbledon men’s final, first time I’ve watched it in seven years. Muy agradable!

More supplements at 6 then I settled down to do my e mails & watch an episode of Game, Set &
Match, a 22yr old Carlton TV production of the books by my hero Len Deighton. I then crawled into to bed at 10pm to read my Steven King novel Cell. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How’s that for relaxation?

9th July 2007 – 7am

Up with the lark! Complex is quiet, I’m the only one up, ideal time for a sauna. Put on my swimming shorts & creak & shuffle down the path to the pool house. I haven’t done this for years, who should enter the sauna? You guessed, “miss masseuse” . Will I get out with my shorts on? No problems I’m pleased to announce, just can’t get over those hairy armpits.
I
have absolutely nothing planned today except colonics & supplements; I may go for a walk. I’m too afraid to drive in case I get tempted by a sandwich at a petrol station.
Hasta la vista (10am)

7th July 07
It turns out that this complex belongs to a company that specialises in normal family holidays, nice well adjusted people with children etc. I wonder if the owners are aware of all the shit that’s going to be spraying around?:)
Last night we met in the communal room, I was exactly half hr late, no fault of my own, I’m never late. So I had to walk into a packed room of colonic holiday makers, everyone was already loved up, a hippy vibe? Hmmm.

Well, we started with introducing ourselves, where we liked to take our holidays, what we like to eat. Guess what? Everyone said India, just typical. I am definitely a loner or at least an individual; does anyone else feel uncomfortable with all this modern day touch feely group stuff?

Dao, one of the “Gurus” started to tell us about his heroes, basically men who lived on raw vegetables & nothing else except for water (& probably a shot glass of their own urine knowing this lot?). He is obviously very well rehearsed as he seems to think that he has us all spellbound & in total awe of him, he holds his hands as if in prayer with his finger tips touching his nose as he talks, pausing after every statement or sentence, holy like, holding us in rapture as if he is Bono, what a dick. As usual I was the only person to have any questions, it’s not that I’m out to cause trouble, I just don’t see why you should take everything as gospel. As the Sex Pistols once sang “Blind acceptance is a sign of stupid fools who stand in line”. I seemed to be an annoyance to him. Never mind.

We got onto the poopy thing, lets face it's the reason everyone is here.Why is it that it makes me giggle? I must be childish or nervous but then most normal people are when it comes to enemas? Dao, the poop master unveiled the enema stuff. It looked very basic; I was expecting something with flashing lights at least! It’s a bucket, a tube & a plank of wood with a plastic moulding built into it. If you had friends to stay & they found it in the cupboard you could say that it was a primitive surfboard & the bucket & tubing could easily be explained away. He went on explain how it all works, the lube etc, all with a totally straight face, he then set it all up & demonstrated, without taking his trousers off of course, by this time I was about to burst. There is no organic coffee used on this course apparently, I must have read that somewhere else, apparently it is just too effective! Just tepid de-chlorinated water, ah that’s ok then.

Next, because I was late to the “gathering” (sounds like a horror/sc fi) Emibo or whatever his name is explained how the juices etc worked. Basically what I have to look forward to this week is water with a type of organic husk, like a granular wallpaper paste that turns into wallpaper paste. This you add water to, it rapidly expands so you have to neck it quickly or you’ll look like Marlon Brando in the Godfather in a minute, this provides (I think) roughage & as it expands is supposed to help the hunger, you then have some special liquid clay which is mixed with either water or juice, this is supposed to drag all the shit out of you, then there is a pill of some sort, must do some research & finally carrot juice & water at a mix of 80% juice & 20%. Now you can see why I am going to loose wait, especially as some of you think that I am full of shit anywayJ

To bed, reading the Cell by Steven King, not sure if that’s a good thing to be reading if hallucinations are going to be the order of the day. Another cup of pissy tea & slept like I’ve never slept before. Which brings me today (7th)

Keep an open mind Steve!!! Yeah right. What a load of tossas! I lasted 1 min in the meditation class & I like meditation, I’m actually quite good at it, that’s why hypnosis works so well on me. It’s the majority of the people here, just not my kind, who is? One guy, who turned up in a girlie Mazda sports car with girlie music blaring yesterday has decided that I am his best mate! I just hate net workers, he just won’t shut the fuck up, I mean how thick skinned is this bloke? He just doesn’t get the message. Anyway, too many people turned up I think (lack of space & peace) for the session, on top of that the guy who runs it started talking a load of garbled nonsense/shit as if he was/is some kind of guru/messiah, it’s so un-me man. So I left. I’ve decided that they can poke the meditation & the yoga. Thank god I have my own cottage, what’s it going to be like when I am starving to death? I just hope that girly sport scar bloke keeps out of my way; no doubt I’ll be too weak by Wednesday to punch his lights out. I’m sticking to sleep, tea, juice, water, the clay, the bum thing, the talks (more bollocks?), the supplements & gentle walking in the countryside, it is beautiful here.

Meditation should have finished, must go & join the other gigglings for my juices. In one hour the big bum event begins, watch this space.

1hr 23mins later......
Well you’ve heard the expression “like shit out of a goose”? Well that’s me! Weird, feels like having diarrhoea when you’re a kid, on a long car journey. Not unpleasant at all though with the safety of a toilet bowl to hand. The worst thing was the “surf board” that you have to lie on, it was too narrow, like lying on a bit of 4x2 when you are my size. They said (them) that I’d be bouncing around & not to be tempted to go for a cross country run, well don’t worry gang, there’s absolutely no chance of that. They said that I’d be euphoric & hyper in the”communal room”, no chance of that either, I don’t think I’ll be even capable of making eye contact. Another half hr to go then it’s back for more slop, still not really hungry & I’m watching the Saturday cooking program on BBC1, never seen it before, it’s good. I think it’s gonna be, slop, read, sleep, slop, watch the save the world concert that’s powered by a zillion watts of power, more slop & then nite nite? British F1 Formula one tomorrow! Come on Alonso!:) Ooooo I think I just leaked!!!!!!!!!!:) not really!

Yep, just as I expected, French music is still crap. Ok if you like Boney M or some cheesy blast from the past. Still fun though. The locals were all very friendly, wine was 7 euros a bottle, free sausages & chips all in the middle of the hamlet beside the river.
Forgot to mention last night that one of the guests or two of the guests actually, husband & wife, are coppers, the man is an anti terrorist copper with long hair, obviously undercover, probably dropped him in it nowJ

Off to the next village for lunch with my sister & her eldest boy Gabriel, the other boy (Noah, or sellotape boy as he is known) is still at school for a week, they get 10 weeks of here for the summer. Then off to Figeac to our next hotel & another dinner............
Oh yes, just remembered something slightly amusing, Mary Ann forgot to bring in the shower gel last night from the car, I saw a tiny bar of soap that looked like one of those complimentary hotel soaps, any way I had a good old soap up like men do, it was so small I nearly lost it up my arse. It was MA’s special Clinique facial soap, I gave the game away by leaving a load of pubic hair embedded in it.

PS My sister asked me to give you her website www.okalani.com

Lunch was good, charcuturie to start, veal with a cream sauce & mushrooms & a selection of local cheeses.

Said our farewells, we’ll be seeing them on the way back, they won’t recognise me!?

The Tom Tom should be called a f...ing Lost Lost, I mean is it me? It got us to our destination but down roads the sizes of peoples driveways, I’m shattered, a continuous procession of diggers, tractors & combined harvesters for 200km. I have to spend some time on it tonight, maybe its programmed for the most scenic or as the snail crawls.

The hotel in Grezes is really quite fab though, we have a massive suite. It’s a Chateau, like a castle with stone walls inside & out & the restaurant looks very tasteful & promising, especially when you compare it to most froggy things, carpets on walls other hideous designs.

The dogs are settling, I feel sorry for them as they have no idea what is happening, I have no idea of what they will make of August when we are away for 5 weeks travelling, staying in 3 different cottages & a barge. I know how you feel Skin if you are reading this.

Time for a shower & a nice bottle of Saint Emilion & then down for something to eat. To bed early tonight for sure. Night night.

Back again, as Michael Winner says “it was historic”, Foie gras with various chutneys, Confit de canard & green beans & a potato rosti & another selection of local cheeses, no wonder I need this detox. The owner, a swell guy called Bruno, formally a builder like myself has renovated this Chateau with his spouse Karine in an amazingly short amount of time considering it also houses an art gallery. Mary Ann requested tea in bed, he said that that’s just not French but gave us a kettle, milk & Darjeeling, a real gent. Just in case you are interested the website for the hotel is www.grezalide.com the countryside around here is just stunning, god forsaken though I guess, how the hell would you end up here for `heavens sake unless you were going on my cookery course? Dogs are freaking again! Night night.

Saturday 23rd June 07
Hi, couldn’t post my blog last night as the wi fi in the hotel was too weak, it was one of those satellite aerials, also the computer was French. Does anyone know who invented the keyboard? I bet it wasn’t the French. Just typical of them to have a different keyboard completely, not even remotely like ours, like their language, it’s as if they have a different word for everything.

Had a lovely breakfast of carrot & orange juice, a nice combination I thought, coffee, toast & home made preserves, MA went for the muesli, home made yoghurt & fruit, typical girl, if I’d have had a choice it would have been a gut buster or fully monty etc.

We left the hotel at a leisurely 10.30am & made our way to Figeac, it’s not too big but very pleasant, on a river & today was market day, MA had planned well & we bought all our provisions. It was a French market at it’s very best, even live chickens, rabbits & snails. Horse meat, honey, all the cheeses & everyone was so polite & patient, we came away with a loving glow.
We left the market & carried on towards the cookery school in Ambeyrac along the wide meandering river, simply stunning countryside, not duelling banjo’s & Billy Bobs, the countryside is agricultural but the houses look prosperous & very well maintained, almost smug looking. We carried on through the village of our destination & looked for a spot for a picnic, which is where I am now.

It’s on a very quiet lane in a clearing of small oak trees, the ground is covered with wild flowers & tiny oak tree saplings, and the only noise is the occasional sound of a bumble bee or the odd lazy fly (no bird sounds really as the frogs eat everything that flies!). We have the dogs blankets on the floor & have just finished a picnic of the produce we picked up in the market, all cut up & portioned with my authentic French farmers knife, you know the one, curved with a cork screw, not cheap at 60 euros, but it made me feel manly cutting of hunks of sausage & cheese & feeding my women, we also polished off the remainder of a bottle of Buzet red wine that we had opened last night.

We got a little dozy but the king size ants & the fact that the dogs are now covered in zillions of little burs has got us up on feet & packing things into the back of the 4WD, we are allowed into our cottage at 4pm, it’s now 3.30pm so its all worked out quite well. We have struck gold as well as it turns out that blossom must have been a champion truffle finder before she was abandoned! She must have dug up about 3000 euros of the things, it couldn’t get any better?:)
24th June 07
Sorry I haven’t been up dating my blog, a few reasons really, the is no wi fi anywhere, they haven’t even heard of it & the lady who runs the cookery school uses a imac, I thought that was hair remover? I’ll keep typing it up as it happens & post it when I get to England, not that you lot care anyway, no one gives a shit, hands up who’s been trying to follow what I’m up to?

We arrived yesterday at the agreed time, 4pm, a bit of luck that we found it really as there were no signs, no house number & no house name. I have, to say that I think that she may be a bit nuts & she has a chicken called Mora which is not good as Sam is a chicken killer. We settled into out cottage, 4 bedrooms!! No hot water! No ice cubes as the fridge was as hot as an oven, it was cold by this morning although the brie & other soft cheeses had made a dash for freedom.

Last night we passed on supper with the lady of the house & her two guests who seemed very nice, a young couple. As Mary Ann had forgotten the steaks we had wild girolles (mushrooms) on garlic croutons, some shavings of a local cheese called Sales, two fried quails eggs on top & a light green salad. I took a picture of it & I’ll attach some time to the blog. We went to bed early to watch a dvd called Click, it started shitty, MA fell as sleep, the film actually ended well with me in tears. It was the best nights sleep I’ve had for a while.

Today (still the 24th)
Had a quail egg omelette for breaky, & shot off on a trip to a carboot sale, bought some junk, culinary stuff & went on to another village for a big market, almost as good as yesterdays, I bought a massive grade two black truffle! Rushing now as the mad lady is calling us for supper!

Went to Cahors, not sure about that as it was Sunday & the French don’t really do anything on a Sunday, the sat nav had another laugh with us & directed us all over the shop again, we actually caught it trying to catch us out! We had set it a trap & it fell for it!

We will not be doing this kind of thing again with the dogs, it too hot for them, stressful, maybe what I am saying is that it’s too hot & stressful for me? Must fly, they are all braying away over there & waiting for me. I just hope they like a drink or two coz I need one. Talk later x

A good dinner, a Swedish type of herring dish with soured cream, apple & dill, a well cooked roast chicken with a mediocre sauce that had split & roasted new potatoes & a Strawberry cake.

25th June 07
A reasonable night’s sleep, had to throw the old fashioned wind up alarm clock out as it was driving me nuts, then at two there was the mother of all downpours & sheet lightning. Weird dreams, it was like a Steven King scene. Up at seven thirty & a splendid breakfast in the main house at 8.30. Toast, French sticks, biscuits, fruit, yoghurt, juices, coffee & tea. The course will actually start in 15 mins, that’s 9.30am.

I’m not sure that I can get away with this blog as it is or whether or not I’ll have to edit it. As I mentioned, Ann the lady whose course it is must be mad or at least eccentric. She is also so clumsy. I am also having my doubts about the how good a chef she is. She is an ex teacher & a very loud shouting teacher at that, MA has expressed doubts this afternoon that she can take 3 meals a day around a table with this nutter. We are forced to shout “hot!!” whenever we pick up anything that is hot, this really makes you jump, I mean I’m too old for that? It’s bizarre. She started picking on me about little things, only me, I think that she felt threatened, it’s not that I think I know it all but the only thing that I’ve learnt today is that if you freeze cherries before hand they are easy to de-stone. I’ve got a feeling that she thinks I am an insolent pig & that orders should be obeyed at all times. Anyway, I lost my attention from time to time like you do & was not listening which I admit is naughty but you’ve heard of the expression “teaching someone to suck eggs”? I started shouting “hot!!!” as loud as I could just when it was not expected, just to see if I could make her jump........ Went right over her head. The other couple on the course Joe & Helen ( back) seem to be nice, they are both in acquisitions; I teased them that they were “asset strippers”, putting nice honest working people on the dole. They are sitting outside now; I need to talk to them to see what they think so far. We have dinner in 30 mins, Ann the teacher said that we could go to the kitchen to witness her make three different gooseberry dishes at 6.30, no one has.... MA is mumbling something upstairs again that she can’t face another 4 days of sitting around the table with Mad Ann!!!
Mary Ann refused to come down from her bed (7.30pm) so I had to go to dinner on my own, she stayed in & watched a costume drama about Oliver Cromwell. She has said that she will longer have breakfast & lunch with the rest of us, just dinner

Sam has just attacked Mora the Chicken, if it wasn’t for the fact that I love animals I’d have found it hysterical. He came out of the cottage as if on bungee elastic & shot across the garden & latched on to Mora, I screamed “Sammy” & chicken got away leaving Sammy standing there as if to say “What?” He had a full mouth of brown feathers; the chicken was going mad trying to grass us up. We didn’t see the chicken again for the rest of the day, had it died of fright or slowly bled to death? Happily it reappeared this morning pecking at the window, Sammy pretending that he couldn’t see it.
Today the 26th we have just made pasta & ravioli, now this is the main reason I wanted to come, I’ve never been able to master it. The old bag must have pointed me in the right direction because today I became a professional even though she kept trying to get her oar in, trying no doubt to f..k my pasta up, after she got my pasta stuck all over her I had to tell her to leave it alone. We mad cheese ravioli & veal & foie gras ravioli, awesome one with a mushroom cappuccino the other with sage butter, if you know me & have ever dined with me then this is what you will be getting from now on I’m afraid.
Slacks gone, I’ve just finished lunch & she’s gone with the dogs, her clothes are here though. Gonna have a siesta.

6th July 07
Sorry I haven’t been around, I just couldn’t find a place to post my blog, the whole of france has crap computers without usb's or whatever they are called so I couldn’t plug my memory stick in. Tried wi fi but there is a secret tab on my laptop that you are not supposed to know about, I didn’t so I couldn’t get wifi.

Well, the whole course turned out to be a great laugh, didn’t really learn a lot but it inspired me to cook a lot of different things, like puddings, I don’t really eat them so I don’t cook them. I will be from now on. We went to a Michelin starred restaurant, I’ll have to give you the details later, it was so good, the village was picture postcard, the restaurant sooooo tasteful but not pretentious, the food was beyond belief. Worth a detour even if you are going to Thailand:)

Anyway, I’ve arrived at the bum pumping retreat, its beautiful I have to say & I have a cottage to myself which is the best accommodation I have stayed in since I left my island, a shower that will blow what’s left of my hair away, very comfortable, nice bed & pillows (so important), DVD, video, library, full kitchen (no food) & no noise! Swimming pool, sauna & Jacuzzi.
I was greeted by Dao, Imebo & sister Moon, they do seem to be on the odd side here, too peaceful for my liking:) Nice people really, I’m sure........? They let me unpack, I was the first here & then they came around to take me for a homeopathic allergy test, before I go any further I have to say that I think just about everyone here is gay, or looks gay.....as I was saying, an allergy test. I am allergic to wheat, that means all bread, pizza, pasta & cakes, vodka (my favourite), beer, well everything really so that pasta & baking course was a good investment.

On top of that I’m also allergic to lamb, also my favourite, yoghurt, can live without that & celery, hmm. Then we have cats, mould, grass, that’s handy as I have more grass than anyone else on the island & house dust & mites which I knew. I actually suspected the wheat thing but it’s still a big disappointment. I don’t think it means I can’t ever eat it again? Just now & again? Answers please on a postcard to .......

Time for a luxurious shower, a hot cup of Nuit Calme Camomille herbal tea, my 1st briefing, this weird expanding stuff they give you to fill you up, a nice glass of clay, a romp in the Jacuzzi with my new Gay friends & bed, on my own. Back tomorrow. Steve xx PS Just had my shower & found the tube that must go up my arse!! I also found the lube, had a good look at it all but none the wiser, didn't find the organic coffee that goes up me bum, spose they'll give it to me tonight. Hope Micheael Barrymore is not here!