7th July 07
It turns out that this complex belongs to a company that specialises in normal family holidays, nice well adjusted people with children etc. I wonder if the owners are aware of all the shit that’s going to be spraying around?:)
Last night we met in the communal room, I was exactly half hr late, no fault of my own, I’m never late. So I had to walk into a packed room of colonic holiday makers, everyone was already loved up, a hippy vibe? Hmmm.

Well, we started with introducing ourselves, where we liked to take our holidays, what we like to eat. Guess what? Everyone said India, just typical. I am definitely a loner or at least an individual; does anyone else feel uncomfortable with all this modern day touch feely group stuff?

Dao, one of the “Gurus” started to tell us about his heroes, basically men who lived on raw vegetables & nothing else except for water (& probably a shot glass of their own urine knowing this lot?). He is obviously very well rehearsed as he seems to think that he has us all spellbound & in total awe of him, he holds his hands as if in prayer with his finger tips touching his nose as he talks, pausing after every statement or sentence, holy like, holding us in rapture as if he is Bono, what a dick. As usual I was the only person to have any questions, it’s not that I’m out to cause trouble, I just don’t see why you should take everything as gospel. As the Sex Pistols once sang “Blind acceptance is a sign of stupid fools who stand in line”. I seemed to be an annoyance to him. Never mind.

We got onto the poopy thing, lets face it's the reason everyone is here.Why is it that it makes me giggle? I must be childish or nervous but then most normal people are when it comes to enemas? Dao, the poop master unveiled the enema stuff. It looked very basic; I was expecting something with flashing lights at least! It’s a bucket, a tube & a plank of wood with a plastic moulding built into it. If you had friends to stay & they found it in the cupboard you could say that it was a primitive surfboard & the bucket & tubing could easily be explained away. He went on explain how it all works, the lube etc, all with a totally straight face, he then set it all up & demonstrated, without taking his trousers off of course, by this time I was about to burst. There is no organic coffee used on this course apparently, I must have read that somewhere else, apparently it is just too effective! Just tepid de-chlorinated water, ah that’s ok then.

Next, because I was late to the “gathering” (sounds like a horror/sc fi) Emibo or whatever his name is explained how the juices etc worked. Basically what I have to look forward to this week is water with a type of organic husk, like a granular wallpaper paste that turns into wallpaper paste. This you add water to, it rapidly expands so you have to neck it quickly or you’ll look like Marlon Brando in the Godfather in a minute, this provides (I think) roughage & as it expands is supposed to help the hunger, you then have some special liquid clay which is mixed with either water or juice, this is supposed to drag all the shit out of you, then there is a pill of some sort, must do some research & finally carrot juice & water at a mix of 80% juice & 20%. Now you can see why I am going to loose wait, especially as some of you think that I am full of shit anywayJ

To bed, reading the Cell by Steven King, not sure if that’s a good thing to be reading if hallucinations are going to be the order of the day. Another cup of pissy tea & slept like I’ve never slept before. Which brings me today (7th)

Keep an open mind Steve!!! Yeah right. What a load of tossas! I lasted 1 min in the meditation class & I like meditation, I’m actually quite good at it, that’s why hypnosis works so well on me. It’s the majority of the people here, just not my kind, who is? One guy, who turned up in a girlie Mazda sports car with girlie music blaring yesterday has decided that I am his best mate! I just hate net workers, he just won’t shut the fuck up, I mean how thick skinned is this bloke? He just doesn’t get the message. Anyway, too many people turned up I think (lack of space & peace) for the session, on top of that the guy who runs it started talking a load of garbled nonsense/shit as if he was/is some kind of guru/messiah, it’s so un-me man. So I left. I’ve decided that they can poke the meditation & the yoga. Thank god I have my own cottage, what’s it going to be like when I am starving to death? I just hope that girly sport scar bloke keeps out of my way; no doubt I’ll be too weak by Wednesday to punch his lights out. I’m sticking to sleep, tea, juice, water, the clay, the bum thing, the talks (more bollocks?), the supplements & gentle walking in the countryside, it is beautiful here.

Meditation should have finished, must go & join the other gigglings for my juices. In one hour the big bum event begins, watch this space.

1hr 23mins later......
Well you’ve heard the expression “like shit out of a goose”? Well that’s me! Weird, feels like having diarrhoea when you’re a kid, on a long car journey. Not unpleasant at all though with the safety of a toilet bowl to hand. The worst thing was the “surf board” that you have to lie on, it was too narrow, like lying on a bit of 4x2 when you are my size. They said (them) that I’d be bouncing around & not to be tempted to go for a cross country run, well don’t worry gang, there’s absolutely no chance of that. They said that I’d be euphoric & hyper in the”communal room”, no chance of that either, I don’t think I’ll be even capable of making eye contact. Another half hr to go then it’s back for more slop, still not really hungry & I’m watching the Saturday cooking program on BBC1, never seen it before, it’s good. I think it’s gonna be, slop, read, sleep, slop, watch the save the world concert that’s powered by a zillion watts of power, more slop & then nite nite? British F1 Formula one tomorrow! Come on Alonso!:) Ooooo I think I just leaked!!!!!!!!!!:) not really!