Yep, just as I expected, French music is still crap. Ok if you like Boney M or some cheesy blast from the past. Still fun though. The locals were all very friendly, wine was 7 euros a bottle, free sausages & chips all in the middle of the hamlet beside the river.
Forgot to mention last night that one of the guests or two of the guests actually, husband & wife, are coppers, the man is an anti terrorist copper with long hair, obviously undercover, probably dropped him in it nowJ

Off to the next village for lunch with my sister & her eldest boy Gabriel, the other boy (Noah, or sellotape boy as he is known) is still at school for a week, they get 10 weeks of here for the summer. Then off to Figeac to our next hotel & another dinner............
Oh yes, just remembered something slightly amusing, Mary Ann forgot to bring in the shower gel last night from the car, I saw a tiny bar of soap that looked like one of those complimentary hotel soaps, any way I had a good old soap up like men do, it was so small I nearly lost it up my arse. It was MA’s special Clinique facial soap, I gave the game away by leaving a load of pubic hair embedded in it.

PS My sister asked me to give you her website www.okalani.com

Lunch was good, charcuturie to start, veal with a cream sauce & mushrooms & a selection of local cheeses.

Said our farewells, we’ll be seeing them on the way back, they won’t recognise me!?

The Tom Tom should be called a f...ing Lost Lost, I mean is it me? It got us to our destination but down roads the sizes of peoples driveways, I’m shattered, a continuous procession of diggers, tractors & combined harvesters for 200km. I have to spend some time on it tonight, maybe its programmed for the most scenic or as the snail crawls.

The hotel in Grezes is really quite fab though, we have a massive suite. It’s a Chateau, like a castle with stone walls inside & out & the restaurant looks very tasteful & promising, especially when you compare it to most froggy things, carpets on walls other hideous designs.

The dogs are settling, I feel sorry for them as they have no idea what is happening, I have no idea of what they will make of August when we are away for 5 weeks travelling, staying in 3 different cottages & a barge. I know how you feel Skin if you are reading this.

Time for a shower & a nice bottle of Saint Emilion & then down for something to eat. To bed early tonight for sure. Night night.

Back again, as Michael Winner says “it was historic”, Foie gras with various chutneys, Confit de canard & green beans & a potato rosti & another selection of local cheeses, no wonder I need this detox. The owner, a swell guy called Bruno, formally a builder like myself has renovated this Chateau with his spouse Karine in an amazingly short amount of time considering it also houses an art gallery. Mary Ann requested tea in bed, he said that that’s just not French but gave us a kettle, milk & Darjeeling, a real gent. Just in case you are interested the website for the hotel is www.grezalide.com the countryside around here is just stunning, god forsaken though I guess, how the hell would you end up here for `heavens sake unless you were going on my cookery course? Dogs are freaking again! Night night.

Saturday 23rd June 07
Hi, couldn’t post my blog last night as the wi fi in the hotel was too weak, it was one of those satellite aerials, also the computer was French. Does anyone know who invented the keyboard? I bet it wasn’t the French. Just typical of them to have a different keyboard completely, not even remotely like ours, like their language, it’s as if they have a different word for everything.

Had a lovely breakfast of carrot & orange juice, a nice combination I thought, coffee, toast & home made preserves, MA went for the muesli, home made yoghurt & fruit, typical girl, if I’d have had a choice it would have been a gut buster or fully monty etc.

We left the hotel at a leisurely 10.30am & made our way to Figeac, it’s not too big but very pleasant, on a river & today was market day, MA had planned well & we bought all our provisions. It was a French market at it’s very best, even live chickens, rabbits & snails. Horse meat, honey, all the cheeses & everyone was so polite & patient, we came away with a loving glow.
We left the market & carried on towards the cookery school in Ambeyrac along the wide meandering river, simply stunning countryside, not duelling banjo’s & Billy Bobs, the countryside is agricultural but the houses look prosperous & very well maintained, almost smug looking. We carried on through the village of our destination & looked for a spot for a picnic, which is where I am now.

It’s on a very quiet lane in a clearing of small oak trees, the ground is covered with wild flowers & tiny oak tree saplings, and the only noise is the occasional sound of a bumble bee or the odd lazy fly (no bird sounds really as the frogs eat everything that flies!). We have the dogs blankets on the floor & have just finished a picnic of the produce we picked up in the market, all cut up & portioned with my authentic French farmers knife, you know the one, curved with a cork screw, not cheap at 60 euros, but it made me feel manly cutting of hunks of sausage & cheese & feeding my women, we also polished off the remainder of a bottle of Buzet red wine that we had opened last night.

We got a little dozy but the king size ants & the fact that the dogs are now covered in zillions of little burs has got us up on feet & packing things into the back of the 4WD, we are allowed into our cottage at 4pm, it’s now 3.30pm so its all worked out quite well. We have struck gold as well as it turns out that blossom must have been a champion truffle finder before she was abandoned! She must have dug up about 3000 euros of the things, it couldn’t get any better?:)
24th June 07
Sorry I haven’t been up dating my blog, a few reasons really, the is no wi fi anywhere, they haven’t even heard of it & the lady who runs the cookery school uses a imac, I thought that was hair remover? I’ll keep typing it up as it happens & post it when I get to England, not that you lot care anyway, no one gives a shit, hands up who’s been trying to follow what I’m up to?

We arrived yesterday at the agreed time, 4pm, a bit of luck that we found it really as there were no signs, no house number & no house name. I have, to say that I think that she may be a bit nuts & she has a chicken called Mora which is not good as Sam is a chicken killer. We settled into out cottage, 4 bedrooms!! No hot water! No ice cubes as the fridge was as hot as an oven, it was cold by this morning although the brie & other soft cheeses had made a dash for freedom.

Last night we passed on supper with the lady of the house & her two guests who seemed very nice, a young couple. As Mary Ann had forgotten the steaks we had wild girolles (mushrooms) on garlic croutons, some shavings of a local cheese called Sales, two fried quails eggs on top & a light green salad. I took a picture of it & I’ll attach some time to the blog. We went to bed early to watch a dvd called Click, it started shitty, MA fell as sleep, the film actually ended well with me in tears. It was the best nights sleep I’ve had for a while.

Today (still the 24th)
Had a quail egg omelette for breaky, & shot off on a trip to a carboot sale, bought some junk, culinary stuff & went on to another village for a big market, almost as good as yesterdays, I bought a massive grade two black truffle! Rushing now as the mad lady is calling us for supper!

Went to Cahors, not sure about that as it was Sunday & the French don’t really do anything on a Sunday, the sat nav had another laugh with us & directed us all over the shop again, we actually caught it trying to catch us out! We had set it a trap & it fell for it!

We will not be doing this kind of thing again with the dogs, it too hot for them, stressful, maybe what I am saying is that it’s too hot & stressful for me? Must fly, they are all braying away over there & waiting for me. I just hope they like a drink or two coz I need one. Talk later x

A good dinner, a Swedish type of herring dish with soured cream, apple & dill, a well cooked roast chicken with a mediocre sauce that had split & roasted new potatoes & a Strawberry cake.

25th June 07
A reasonable night’s sleep, had to throw the old fashioned wind up alarm clock out as it was driving me nuts, then at two there was the mother of all downpours & sheet lightning. Weird dreams, it was like a Steven King scene. Up at seven thirty & a splendid breakfast in the main house at 8.30. Toast, French sticks, biscuits, fruit, yoghurt, juices, coffee & tea. The course will actually start in 15 mins, that’s 9.30am.

I’m not sure that I can get away with this blog as it is or whether or not I’ll have to edit it. As I mentioned, Ann the lady whose course it is must be mad or at least eccentric. She is also so clumsy. I am also having my doubts about the how good a chef she is. She is an ex teacher & a very loud shouting teacher at that, MA has expressed doubts this afternoon that she can take 3 meals a day around a table with this nutter. We are forced to shout “hot!!” whenever we pick up anything that is hot, this really makes you jump, I mean I’m too old for that? It’s bizarre. She started picking on me about little things, only me, I think that she felt threatened, it’s not that I think I know it all but the only thing that I’ve learnt today is that if you freeze cherries before hand they are easy to de-stone. I’ve got a feeling that she thinks I am an insolent pig & that orders should be obeyed at all times. Anyway, I lost my attention from time to time like you do & was not listening which I admit is naughty but you’ve heard of the expression “teaching someone to suck eggs”? I started shouting “hot!!!” as loud as I could just when it was not expected, just to see if I could make her jump........ Went right over her head. The other couple on the course Joe & Helen ( back) seem to be nice, they are both in acquisitions; I teased them that they were “asset strippers”, putting nice honest working people on the dole. They are sitting outside now; I need to talk to them to see what they think so far. We have dinner in 30 mins, Ann the teacher said that we could go to the kitchen to witness her make three different gooseberry dishes at 6.30, no one has.... MA is mumbling something upstairs again that she can’t face another 4 days of sitting around the table with Mad Ann!!!
Mary Ann refused to come down from her bed (7.30pm) so I had to go to dinner on my own, she stayed in & watched a costume drama about Oliver Cromwell. She has said that she will longer have breakfast & lunch with the rest of us, just dinner

Sam has just attacked Mora the Chicken, if it wasn’t for the fact that I love animals I’d have found it hysterical. He came out of the cottage as if on bungee elastic & shot across the garden & latched on to Mora, I screamed “Sammy” & chicken got away leaving Sammy standing there as if to say “What?” He had a full mouth of brown feathers; the chicken was going mad trying to grass us up. We didn’t see the chicken again for the rest of the day, had it died of fright or slowly bled to death? Happily it reappeared this morning pecking at the window, Sammy pretending that he couldn’t see it.
Today the 26th we have just made pasta & ravioli, now this is the main reason I wanted to come, I’ve never been able to master it. The old bag must have pointed me in the right direction because today I became a professional even though she kept trying to get her oar in, trying no doubt to f..k my pasta up, after she got my pasta stuck all over her I had to tell her to leave it alone. We mad cheese ravioli & veal & foie gras ravioli, awesome one with a mushroom cappuccino the other with sage butter, if you know me & have ever dined with me then this is what you will be getting from now on I’m afraid.
Slacks gone, I’ve just finished lunch & she’s gone with the dogs, her clothes are here though. Gonna have a siesta.

6th July 07
Sorry I haven’t been around, I just couldn’t find a place to post my blog, the whole of france has crap computers without usb's or whatever they are called so I couldn’t plug my memory stick in. Tried wi fi but there is a secret tab on my laptop that you are not supposed to know about, I didn’t so I couldn’t get wifi.

Well, the whole course turned out to be a great laugh, didn’t really learn a lot but it inspired me to cook a lot of different things, like puddings, I don’t really eat them so I don’t cook them. I will be from now on. We went to a Michelin starred restaurant, I’ll have to give you the details later, it was so good, the village was picture postcard, the restaurant sooooo tasteful but not pretentious, the food was beyond belief. Worth a detour even if you are going to Thailand:)

Anyway, I’ve arrived at the bum pumping retreat, its beautiful I have to say & I have a cottage to myself which is the best accommodation I have stayed in since I left my island, a shower that will blow what’s left of my hair away, very comfortable, nice bed & pillows (so important), DVD, video, library, full kitchen (no food) & no noise! Swimming pool, sauna & Jacuzzi.
I was greeted by Dao, Imebo & sister Moon, they do seem to be on the odd side here, too peaceful for my liking:) Nice people really, I’m sure........? They let me unpack, I was the first here & then they came around to take me for a homeopathic allergy test, before I go any further I have to say that I think just about everyone here is gay, or looks gay.....as I was saying, an allergy test. I am allergic to wheat, that means all bread, pizza, pasta & cakes, vodka (my favourite), beer, well everything really so that pasta & baking course was a good investment.

On top of that I’m also allergic to lamb, also my favourite, yoghurt, can live without that & celery, hmm. Then we have cats, mould, grass, that’s handy as I have more grass than anyone else on the island & house dust & mites which I knew. I actually suspected the wheat thing but it’s still a big disappointment. I don’t think it means I can’t ever eat it again? Just now & again? Answers please on a postcard to .......

Time for a luxurious shower, a hot cup of Nuit Calme Camomille herbal tea, my 1st briefing, this weird expanding stuff they give you to fill you up, a nice glass of clay, a romp in the Jacuzzi with my new Gay friends & bed, on my own. Back tomorrow. Steve xx PS Just had my shower & found the tube that must go up my arse!! I also found the lube, had a good look at it all but none the wiser, didn't find the organic coffee that goes up me bum, spose they'll give it to me tonight. Hope Micheael Barrymore is not here!