Captains log, star date Monday 7th July 07

Well, just been talking to Imeba, he seems to think that I am bucking the trend here. It's unusual to feel so OK apparently, must be down to the fact that when he asked me how I felt I said “Serene”. I think that maybe they want you to feel crap so they can link sell all these “green & weird”products. Another thing, I should be experiencing is emotional feelings, passing foot long liquorice turds & possible having nauseas spells, well I have never been so relaxed to be honest, no wife (I love you Slacky), no dogs, no phone calls, no wankers playing there music too loud & simply the most comfortable bed & pillows I ever had, all with a power shower & a remote control of my own.

This is how yesterday went: I went to bed at 10pm the night before & woke up at 8.30am, read in bed then ambled down to the giggling room for my supplements, necked them & made a little polite conversation with the gurus for approx 2 minutes then ambled back to my cottage for a re-vigorating (not sure how you spell that) enema, got the hang that now. I put on the fan heater, set up the surfboard, boil the kettle & add it to the bucket of de chlorinated water all before I go to the giggling room since you ask. So it's all ready to go. Very prim.

When I finished the dirty deed I dettox everything & place it all under the shower for a good soaking so it’s tip top! Can you believe that the “others” in the shared rooms etc are sharing the surfboards? I mean imagine been in a hotel room with an en-suite? Your partner/mate is 2 metres away explosively jettisoning his/hers bowels? I mean, would you want to share your poopy equipment with others let alone a room.

I then followed this with a long refreshing shower, I was tempted to shave my head, maybe I am experiencing something. Then I rang my lovely wife who had a christening to attend at Ghyll Manor in Rusper, Surrey, a beautiful country hotel where we got married 15 years ago.
I then settled down to read the newspapers on the web, I like to read the Sunday Times & Telegraph. I lifted all the good recipes from the food & drink section & saved them to my laptop. I browsed my usual favourites, BBC Food, Food Network, Epicurious etc looking for interesting & healthy recipes to save for future reference. 12 o clock & back for supplements then settled down for the British F1, come on Kimi & Alonso, bliss. Back for supplements then a full hour long massage, I’ll treat you when I get home babe. Didn’t get the ladies name but she was very well spoken, pony club like, but she was a German! Don't mention the war! With unshaven armpits, why is it they do that? She was very pleasant & when you’ve got you eyes closed she could have been anyone. She told me that she had lost 3 stone, that’s approx 42 pounds for you foreigners or approx 22 kilos, I think. It was so relaxing & whilst I was relaxing at the very end she kissed me on the forehead!!! What do you lot think? Is that normal? She didn’t ask me if I wanted any ”extras” though thank God, maybe these “enlightened” people are just like this & I’m a little sensitive. If I’d have kissed a women I didn’t know on the forehead they’d have called the police!?

Back to the cottage for the Wimbledon men’s final, first time I’ve watched it in seven years. Muy agradable!

More supplements at 6 then I settled down to do my e mails & watch an episode of Game, Set &
Match, a 22yr old Carlton TV production of the books by my hero Len Deighton. I then crawled into to bed at 10pm to read my Steven King novel Cell. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How’s that for relaxation?

9th July 2007 – 7am

Up with the lark! Complex is quiet, I’m the only one up, ideal time for a sauna. Put on my swimming shorts & creak & shuffle down the path to the pool house. I haven’t done this for years, who should enter the sauna? You guessed, “miss masseuse” . Will I get out with my shorts on? No problems I’m pleased to announce, just can’t get over those hairy armpits.
I
have absolutely nothing planned today except colonics & supplements; I may go for a walk. I’m too afraid to drive in case I get tempted by a sandwich at a petrol station.
Hasta la vista (10am)